I'm not trying to cheapen anyone else's experience of training. I am glad that there is such a program and hope that Congress votes to keep AmeriCorps as a line item in the budget. I'm just saying that when I heard one girl say that she was sad to leave because of the bonding experience she'd had with some people, I was confused. It had only been four days. Most people - including the girl speaking - had spent the three evenings out drinking. I didn't understand how this set of circumstances could add up to anything except an eagerness to go home. Please don't take this as a judgment. I'm certainly not against drinking or the community one could potentially build in four days. I simply had not had the same feeling of connection in New Mexico. When this girl talked about how she was a little sad, I immediately flashed back to June 31, 2010, when my Haiti team was huddled in the airport crying, praying for each other, and how I had actually refused to go home that night. I flashed back to switching my flight to the next day and going to the Atlanta Braves game, sleeping at a friend of a friend's house, and trying to cling to any time I had left with my team before we went our separate ways.
Albuquerque left me with a growing list of questions, questions I may have had before but now seem to be haunting me. How does my year of VISTA service fit with the type of community I had in Haiti? How does my new life in St. Louis connect with everything that came before? How do I balance wanting to stay here and move forward with how much I miss everyone back east? Even more so than that, how do I balance appreciating the here-and-now when I have always been a planner, trying to figure out what the heck comes next? What do I do when I read Katie's blog and think "Good grief, I miss the crap out of her. And Spain. And Italy. And traveling?" Is St. Louis a stepping stone or will I be here a while? Indeed, what is the point of it all? All for the glory of God, for sure, but enjoyment too. (And now that I'm sitting here, I'm realizing that my church's current sermon series on Ecclesiastes is bleeding all over this blog entry.) Am I enjoying myself as much as I could be? I was made to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Am I enjoying God?
Are you?
Because if not, you and I should go think long and hard about what we would rather be doing.
Life is super hard at times, and a year ago I felt so trapped and was drowning in Ashland. I would never had made it without you! Sometimes you never know why things happen, or what brings you to your next chapter, but enjoy the ride in St. Louis. This is YOUR time! You are an amazing person and I miss you so much. I know that you are going to find the peace you are looking for, just keep an open mind and remember- you always have a room in Scotland if you need to get out of dodge :-)
ReplyDeleteUgh. I don't understand why trying to figure out how I best enjoy God is so difficult!
ReplyDeleteThanks Katie - if I need to get out of Dodge, I will def let you know :) As I was writing it, I was thinking that this post might come off more depressed and hopeless than I really feel - I'm enjoying St. Louis, it was the trip that was the stinky part. I don't feel trapped and drowning at all the way you were last fall. Believe me, if I felt that way, you would see me at your doorstep in a heartbeat!
ReplyDeleteAnd Shannon, sometimes I feel like it would have been nice if He threw in some specifics for each of us. Like, "Shannon, you should do THIS (whatever that is)." Although I've been thinking more and more that it's not what you do per so, but more that you're enjoying life and living it to His glory.