what if it all means something

This past week I was in Albuquerque, New Mexico for AmeriCorps VISTA training. For those of you unfamiliar with the AmeriCorps VISTA program, it's basically a domestic Peace Corps designed to fight poverty. VISTA training is meant to provide a context for the program and to motivate people before they go to their service location - all I can say is that it had the opposite effect on me. I left de-motivated, wondering what was the point of it all, and deeply missing Haiti.

I'm not trying to cheapen anyone else's experience of training. I am glad that there is such a program and hope that Congress votes to keep AmeriCorps as a line item in the budget. I'm just saying that when I heard one girl say that she was sad to leave because of the bonding experience she'd had with some people, I was confused. It had only been four days. Most people - including the girl speaking - had spent the three evenings out drinking. I didn't understand how this set of circumstances could add up to anything except an eagerness to go home. Please don't take this as a judgment. I'm certainly not against drinking or the community one could potentially build in four days. I simply had not had the same feeling of connection in New Mexico. When this girl talked about how she was a little sad, I immediately flashed back to June 31, 2010, when my Haiti team was huddled in the airport crying, praying for each other, and how I had actually refused to go home that night. I flashed back to switching my flight to the next day and going to the Atlanta Braves game, sleeping at a friend of a friend's house, and trying to cling to any time I had left with my team before we went our separate ways.

Albuquerque left me with a growing list of questions, questions I may have had before but now seem to be haunting me. How does my year of VISTA service fit with the type of community I had in Haiti? How does my new life in St. Louis connect with everything that came before? How do I balance wanting to stay here and move forward with how much I miss everyone back east? Even more so than that, how do I balance appreciating the here-and-now when I have always been a planner, trying to figure out what the heck comes next? What do I do when I read Katie's blog and think "Good grief, I miss the crap out of her. And Spain. And Italy. And traveling?" Is St. Louis a stepping stone or will I be here a while? Indeed, what is the point of it all? All for the glory of God, for sure, but enjoyment too. (And now that I'm sitting here, I'm realizing that my church's current sermon series on Ecclesiastes is bleeding all over this blog entry.) Am I enjoying myself as much as I could be? I was made to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Am I enjoying God?

Are you?

Because if not, you and I should go think long and hard about what we would rather be doing.

About the Perpetual Struggle in Letting Go of Expectations

I did what I said I would - I moved to St. Louis. I moved to St. Louis because this is where I know God wants me to be and I want to follow Him no matter what. So about a month ago I packed up my car and left the east coast. Besides the unfortunate car transmission incident on the way through Ohio, my time here has been quite enjoyable. I have a nice house to live in, a comfortable bed to sleep in, space for all my stuff (which I am still increasingly feeling like is too much stuff). I've met great people. In Virginia - and I'm speaking generally here so if you're a Virginian, don't be offended - people are supposed to be southernly hospitable and nice but it often comes off as fake. People here are genuinely nice and not in-your-face about it, which I appreciate so so much. I've pretty much already found a church I'd like to invest in, at least a church that has welcomed me with open arms. It's been wonderful, just as I knew it would because whatever God has in mind for me will always be wonderful.

But I sort of feel like I'm missing it.

I think I'm feeling it more today because it's snowing (AGAIN) and so I am once again cooped up in the house all by myself, just like I have been since last Friday. Roommate #1 is in Europe. Roommate #2 is in Illinois. It's just me and the dogs. And I know I should be digging into the Word and praying and reading some Jesus lit, and I WANT to, but instead I find myself perpetually lying on the couch watching endless hours of "How I Met Your Mother" and "Bones" reruns. Even on days I do a lot of work, run errands, and do my daily Radical tasks, I get to 11pm and feel like I completely missed it. How am I helping others? I go to work and go straight home after because I only have enough money to do the absolute bare essentials right now (and I'm not complaining - just stating a fact. I chose this situation and am happy with my decision.) (Although now I feel convicted because even with my meager stipend, I still make more money than 80% of the world, which is OUTRAGEOUS and makes me really mad and sad.)

I think maybe I just answered my own bad feelings. I asked "how am I helping others?" and while I value helping other people more highly than just about everything else in life, that's not actually what my focus should be. I should be asking "how am I glorifying God and working to grow His Kingdom?"

The thought has been growing in my mind that the next 13 months especially (until the end of my VISTA service year in late February 2010) are working to prepare me for what is coming ahead. Being the planner that I am, I've started making plans concerning my VISTA situation. Most of these deal with finances and learning more about the nonprofit realm. That being said, God's plan for my next 13 months might be totally different than what I have planned. I don't want to take over God's plan and make it my plan, turning something holy and good into something sinful and self-worshiping (I've done this before - hello student affairs plans - and it clearly did not turn out well). I want to keep God's plan as God's plan. If He has other ideas for my life, then He has other ideas and they are always going to be WAAAAAY better than my ideas. He knows how I can glorify Him best in my poverty and baseness. And so I am again trying to let go of my expectations. I am again trying to be ready and open for all He has planned. I guess I should turn off the TV because

I don't want to miss this.